|
|
 |
|
|
|
Under the Knife (ghosted) A Bambii
Adventure: When Trivia People Mix in the Real World.
It was a dark and normal night the
Wednesday before my surgery was scheduled. I know it was night cuz
the donkey was finally delivering the mail. I would have appreciated
more fanfare though, like maybe some thunder and lightning, but
apparently the gods thought I could create my own the next day.
The first instructions were not to eat or
drink anything after midnight, and since my surgery wasn't scheduled
till late afternoon Thursday, I was bumming a bit about how I was gonna
deal with that.
Late Wednesday afternoon they told me I
could have something light to eat till 4 am and clear liquids till 10
am, so I happily dined on toast and drank tea in the early morning
hours.
At 11:45 Thursday morning, the phone rings
and its the hospital saying I can come early if I want.
"HELL YEAH", was all I could
say, and the Buck & I scrambled to get my bag, start the car, and
get the hell outta there.
The ride to the hospital was uneventful,
boring even. We practiced the route earlier in the week and were
pretty sure we knew where we were going and happily weren't wrong.
Once we got to the hospital, I headed
straight for admissions and announced "I AM HERE!"
The nurse was like, "I heard you
couldn't wait to get here" and I said, "That's right, I'm READY
baby!"
So then another nurse starts to take me
to the waiting area to be prepped, and as we're walking, there's my
doctor lounging against the wall !
I point him out to the the Buck (who
starts to falter, either to address him or not, I don't know), so
we'll never know what he was thinking.
So they started to take my info. One
of the first questions she asked was if I spoke any other languages
besides English, so I popped off with "Yes, Gibberish."
She actually started to write that down
and when she realized what she was doing, we both totally cracked up. I
did mention that I spoke Japanese, but not fluently. Not sure she
believed me though.
The next thing I know, they put these
things on my legs to keep the circulation going and after awhile I had
to pee. At this point I was all hooked up to the IV too, but
I really didn't wanna pee in the operating room so they let me go to the
restroom.
All these things on my legs were really
hard to walk with, so I stuck my arms out and stiffened my legs and
started singing "I Am Iron Man, dada dada da da da da dah!"
Then I asked if anyone had a candy
wrapper I could lick (having to fast for so long), and I think they
couldn't wait to get me asleep.
The next thing I had to confirm was
cleanliness, so I told everyone to wash their hands and I would too. I
told them, "I even picked my nose to make sure that
was clean." In answer to the raised eyebrows, I said
, "Oh! thought this was a rhinoplasty!" They all
cracked up!
Next thing I'm back on the stretcher and
being wheeled somewhere. I really thought it was gonna be the
loony bin. I wouldn't have minded the comfy padded walls to bounce
off, but the required dinner jacket seems a bit too conservative and
restrictive for me.
So on the way to the OR, I pretended to be
a good little patient, till we got to a stretch and I couldn't resist
sitting up and yelling VROOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suppressing a laugh, the nurse told me,
"Bambii, they do frown upon NASCAR in the halls."
I said, "Yeah, well I gotta get my
picks in!"
Finally we get to the OR and they start
putting the gas mask on me. I started singing a bit from Leona
Lewis song........... "you cut me open & I keep bleeding, keep
keep bleeding......." For some reason they were not
amused!
My surgery went well, however, the
recovery did not. In the recovery room, I started to go into respiratory
failure and had to be kept at the hospital the rest of the day
and half of Friday. They "think" the anesthesia set off
my asthma, but I would think that would happened when they put me under
not after the fact! But what do I know, I'm not a Dr., I
just play one on IRC!
When the specialist came in the room to
give me the breathing treatments and listen to my lungs (I was gasping
like a fish out of water), she says to me, "Can you do that without
making that noise?"
I looked at her and said, "If I
could, you wouldn't be here to listen now would you?"
She laughed and said "yep!"
The next day, when I was getting my
breathing treatment, this thing looks like an elephant's trunk (you know
where this is going). So I grabbed it and swung it up and down and
started singing the baby elephant walk song. The specialist joined in
and we both cracked up.
Then I grabbed it again, and in my best
John Merrick voice said, "I am NOT and ANIMAL!" We
both busted up and again the Buck just looked at us like we were
lunatics!
Later, when I was walking the floor, I saw
a sign on the desk that said "New Orders Here"
So, again being the smart ass that I am, I
said, "Yes, I'd like a mommy tuck, 30lbs off the butt and thighs
and some from the hips too."
There were about 10 people in that
employee area and they all cracked up.
Then I said, "What about giving me
the body of a 20 year old?" When she said, sorry we
can't do that, I told her "Well it was worth a shot."
Then added....... "btw that's false advertising!"
They cracked up and I toddled off back to
my room.
I'm sure they miss me :)
More bits,
So,
when I went to the hospital for my Op,
first thing, I'm answering questions from the woman, & she asks
me.. do you speak any other language besides English, so I popped off
with yes, gibberish, she started to write that down before realizing
it, & we both cracked up! ( I told her some Japanese, not so
fluent any more )
They put these things on my legs to keep
the circulation going, & after awhile I had to pee, so I asked if
I could go, was all hooked up to the iv's & stuff, told her I
didn't wanna pee in the OR.. so we get going, & these things were
hard to walk with, so I stuck my arms out & stiffened my legs
& started singing I am iron man.. dah dah dadadaaaaaaaa
When they took me to the OR, on the way, I
sat up & started going xroom, & she said, bambii they from on
Nascar in the halls!
When I got to the OR, just before they put
the gas mask on.. I started singing a bit from Leona Lewis
song.. it goes, you cut me open & I keep bleeding, keep keep
bleeding...... for some reason, they were not amused...
These were just the before hand things I
did, and afterwards.. Oh my.. even in pain I was cracking them up!
OK, here is a few more..
After my operation, when I was in
recovery, I started going into respitory failure, so they gave me
breathing treatments.. they called the specialist, & she was
trying to listen to my lungs ( I was gasping like a fish out of
water ) so she says to me, can you do that w/o making that noise? I
looked at her & said, if I could you wouldn't be hear to listen
now would you? she laughed, & said, yep!
The next day, when I was getting my
breathing treatment, this thing looks like an elephants trunk, so I
grabbed it & swung it up & started singing the baby elephant
walk.. & she ( the specialist ) joined in,., we both cracked up,
then I grab it again, & in my best John Merick voice said.,. I
am not an animal!!! We both biusted up again, & the buck just
looked at us like we were lunatics !!
Later, when I was out walking th efloor,
I saw a sing on the desk that said new orders here, so again, being
the smart ass that I am, I said, yes, I'd like a mommy tuck, 30 lbs
off th ebutt & thighs, & some from the hips too ( there were
about 10 pl in that area employyes ) they all LOLLLLLLL'd & the
woman said, well sorry, we can't do that here, I said what about the
body of a 20 yr old? she said no, sorry, so I told her it was worth
a shot, & btw, that was false advertizing!
They again all cracked up & I toddled
off to my room.. *sigh* the things I won't do
|
|
||||||||
|
|
| Privacy Policy
|
|
|