I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling sheer rock-faces and crushing boulders between my thighs. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for English migrants, I write award-winning operas in the Eskimo language and currently hold the world record for the number of echidnas stuffed into my underpants.

Occasionally, when not participating in walrus-strangling competitions, I tread
water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and God-like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute scones in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Burkina Faso.

Using only a a bottle of Vanilla Coke and a packet of Tim Tams, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the
Richmond Tigers AFL club and I am the subject of numerous documentaries on my ability to totally avoid watching American sitcoms.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my backyard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, before running my Mindprobes game, I perform open-heart surgery on local children's guinea pigs.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless assassin. Critics world-wide swoon over my original line of corduroy jockey shorts.

I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes to Dreamworld. Last summer I toured Tasmania with a travelling centrifugal force
demonstration.
My cricket batting average is 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me, tarantulas flee before me and aardvarks flock to my door for handfuls of termites.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small brothel. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker, I get my loving on the run. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a sack of seaweed and a
toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bull fights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, spelling bees at the Kremlin and
jelly wrestling bouts in Serbia.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed sex-change operations and I have spoken
with Elvis.

  
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